When did you know?

Following my Caroline-less post yesterday, I feel as if I owe this blog some baby-related information.

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Caroline slept for (wait for it) TEN GLORIOUS FANTASTIC DREAM INDUCING HOURS last night --- let's just reiterate this again--- the child slept peacefully for TEN HOURS!!! She had her bath at about 7 and then it was jammies, story, song, and to bed and though she didn't go right down to zzzzzz, she was pretty much out cold within a half hour of being put down into her crib. Steve feared that being asleep at "8ish" would lead to an early morning wake up call for food, but alas, the little miss is growing as she is now well into her 12 week growth spurt and growing babies are excellent sleepers. I know it is not likely to last very long, but we will enjoy it while it lasts. Steve had a bit more time this morning so we did do some early morning snuggling with her which we all very much enjoy doing every now and again.

When did you know?

As in "when did you know you were ready for a baby?" I feel like we are asked this question pretty often by people from all facets of our life. I am sure Steve might have a different answer than I do, but here it is... this is how I knew I was ready for a baby.

I had been in my position as a hospice social worker for almost 6 months when I really began to do an awful lot of soul searching about life and death, my beliefs, my questions, and my fears too. Steve and I always knew we wanted a family because family is so important to each of us and well, we thought we would be pretty awesome parents too =) If we could have so much love for each other, wouldn't it be amazing to see how much love we could have for a child??

I am pretty open about my PCOS diagnosis and will tell anyone who asks me about it just about everything I know on the subject. (For general info http://www.4woman.gov/faq/pcos.htm) I had been diagnosed in June of 2005 and I was devastated, more because my physician handed me a book about infertility than anything else. So enough about that. My physician gave me a Rx for metformin (akaglucophage, which is for Type II diabetes) and told me to wait 6 months and give it a try. I waited and in the interim started drinking herbal teas and altered my diet and nothing was really changing, but we weren't exactly in the market for a shiny new baby quite yet. I started the medication in December more because I wanted to see if this magic pill could correct what was happening and by February everything seemed to be sorted out. When I saw my doctor again in May 2006 she asked me if I was pregnant yet and I told her were hadn't gotten that far because I wanted to make sure things were in working order. She told me that it seemed as though things were in shape and we could try anytime we wanted, but that it may still take some time given my history.

In the meantime, in the real world, I was going through my meaning of life questions phase - think more bedtime philosophical grumblings - as in "Goodnight Ker" "Steve, what happens when we die?" - and I had at least sorted one thing out - I wanted to spend as much time on this Earth as possible with these mythical little children we were planning in our heads. Through my professional work I had seen again and again how short and precious time is here and I wanted every second to count. We were settling down even more then, putting together the funds and paperwork to purchase our condo, thinking about trying soon, maybe in the fall? Then Steve got promoted and our life seemed to change in so many ways virtually overnight. After getting the go ahead from the doctor and knowing that it was likely going to be a few months at least for baby cash to enter the picture at all, we decided to throw caution to the wind and throw the dice and poof, just like that... after all our worries that we would never have a family and months of pills and charts, here was the most miraculous and beautiful thing - a baby... our baby...

I could cry now even remembering that morning when things were starting to add up in my head that perhaps this twosome would become a family.

So when do you know? You know. You need to want it enough, just enough, to let go. You know when you can let go of the planning (if January then October, works for my schedule, how about yours?), the money issue (babies are expensive this is true, but you will never feel 100% financially ready ever), and most importantly you need to be ready to open your heart to someone who will steal it the instant you see that line on that stick. You never really know. You don't wake up one morning and say, "something is different, I think today is the day that I am ready to start a family." The more we discussed it the more we realized how ready we were and though it is a scary proposition, life as you know it will never be the same again, trust me when I say this, there is never a more incredible feeling than being a parent. Knowing isn't the knowledge that you are ready, it is the feeling deep down in your gut that keeps tapping you on your shoulder saying "what are you waiting for???" until one day you stop having a mile long list of reasons to answer back with... when you can answer back, "yeah! what am I waiting for?!?!?!"


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