at what cost?

I just did a very stupid thing.

There is a great free program at our town library for Moms and babies. Many of the Moms from my groupsigned up to attend, but the class is on Thursdays only and thus Caroline and I are unable to attend... together.

A couple of the Moms suggested that I stop by since I literally work just next door. So I set my little calendar to remind me and at 11 off I went to say hello. I was a little late and the class had already begun, so I watched for several minutes through a doorway at the Moms and babies sitting in a circle, singing silly songs, before I had to walk away. Why I tortured myself, I do not know?

I just wrote a long and wordy response on this very topic and was feeling quite at peace with what I wrote and then WHAM!

I don't know if I can put it into words, but it was sort of like being on the old Rotorooter at Riverside/Six Flags and I was not in anyway prepared for it. Honestly, I thought it would be a good chance to connect in some way with the Moms that I am attempting to maintain relationships with. It is hard without the support group on Wednesdays! The singing about Allie crawling, Ellen kicking her legs, the twins blinking their eyes, Finn touching his nose, Gavin yawning... I realized that the wide eyes and smile I had pasted on just moments ago to say "hey, I missed you guys and your babies are getting so big!" now said "oh my god, keep smiling or you will lose it." I booked it out of there and decided I would come back after class. How else could I explain my sudden departure?

So I left and went back to my office. I did muster up the courage to head back to the library when the group was ending and the Moms and babies were making there way out of the room. I prepared myself. When I am with these Moms Caroline is always with me and our babies interact and play and here I was just oggling their tikes and asking how they were and it just felt strange. One mother asked me where Caroline was - hello???? Another chimed in protectively, "Caroline is at school where she gets to have fun all day and not just for an hour like us," before offering a supportive wink which I was so grateful for.

My objective was to reconnect with the Moms and I did that, but at what price? I have since been clicking through Picasa all afternoon. I hope that WE will get to walk on Friday with a couple of them to make the torture somehow worthwhile.


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