molecules of wonderfulness

Now that we have spilled the cocktail peanuts, I can cover you with honey through a gooey entry. Steve was shocked when I sent him a draft of our big announcement weeks ago. He was surprised at the simplicity and had expected something sugar coated & fluffy. I promised that would come later and would you look at that, here it is!

For six weeks Steve and I have sat silent to the world at large grinning ear-to-ear goofy “we’re pregnant” grins wondering if this was really truly happening. We made it through many encounters with friends and especially family. How I made it through that wedding on the Vineyard is still a mystery to me. In addition, the first trimester just drags on and on, what with the nausea/random hard-hitting exhaustion and the complete lack of physical proof that you are indeed honest to GOD expecting a baby. Sure, I had massive baby bloat initially, but that faded and with weeks until the next doctor’s appointment, we were a bit paranoid about the whole thing. I knew in my gut that if something were wrong those Mommy instincts would clue me in, right? Wouldn’t they? Tell me they would! I was indeed quite reassured on Tuesday when my physician was able to locate the baby’s heartbeat with ease; 160 bpm. The whoosh whoosh whoosh of a heartbeat was music to my ears. I felt a bit more confident, though sincerely that confidence is still a bit reluctant.

We tell Caroline often that she is going to be a big sister; that mommy has a baby in her belly. She looks at us, probably expecting to see her baby doll sitting on my tummy and then gives us the “you have officially lost your minds” look. When we ask her if she is going to have a baby brother or a baby sister – she answers sister. When we ask again if she thinks it will be a girl or a boy – she says boy. That second option still tricks her every time.

I’m feeling well overall, far less fatigued this time around (though Steve will tell you that there have been a handful of days with late afternoon snoozes on the sofa and early bedtimes & he wouldn’t be lying). It just feels completely different this time around. Perhaps it is the knowledge I gained from my first pregnancy? I have an inkling of what lies ahead. While that might be part of it, this second time around experience has been humbling in ways I was unprepared for. Not that I didn’t treasure each and every wonderful moment of my pregnancy with Caroline! Her soul just traveled to us from that other place so easily. This baby, our little Macadamia, s/he wanted to be sure from the get go that we really truly appreciated each molecule of wonderfulness that s/he is. The road to this point has been marred with bumpy potholes. It isn’t that this baby is anymore cherished than my amazing baby girl Caro, how could they ever be? It is that with great humility we now fully understand this amazing miracle cooking away.

I watch my daughter play with Mrs. Potato Head; pushing a vertical line of eyes onto Lady Spud. I love her sweet little voice asking “you play with me Mommy?” I flip off my shoes, lie down next to her and ask her which purse/puhrs Mrs. Potato Head would like today. I smell her head. I tussle her curls. I tell her I love her. I know the days of just us are numbered. I know it won’t always be like this, but I imagine that in time it will be even better and my heart swells with gladness. My daughter will be an amazing big sister. Caroline will want to be involved in every diaper change. She will want to feed the baby, to dress the baby, to snuggle the baby. She will tell the baby what to do and surely what NOT to do. She will tell the baby “don’t touch me.” I know they won’t always be best friends, but I do know that this is the most marvelous gift we could ever give to her. Caroline is going to ROCK the big sister role and I will cry puddles of tears watching her relationship with her new sibling grow.


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