freakishly different

I twittered recently that Steve felt Macadamia kick/punch and though it was not quite as dramatic as when he first felt Caroline because let’s face it, what will ever compare with that first “oh my god, there is really a baby in there,” moment? It was just as happy for us to share, though freakishly different. I have been feeling this baby moving around for weeks. That’s a plural people. WEEKS. I am only in my 17th week. I asked my doctor at my most recent visit, when I was about 15 weeks, if I should be feeling anything yet because holy crap I was! She reassured me that since I had been through this before that I would probably feel movement sooner, but not kicks, just those flutters to start with. I swear to you, I was feeling more than flutters. I don’t think I told her that. I think I was afraid she either wouldn't believe me or that she would give me that doctor look that tells you something is amiss.

Steve first felt Caroline during my 20th week. Of course I wrote about it here. I first felt what I was absolutely certain was her during my 17th week. Look at the date on that post – August 25. Scary right? Except that I have been feeling this movement for some time now, which might be easily explained away by this being my second pregnancy. OR there might be some other crazy explanation that I mostly concoct at night in my dreams and wake up in a full panic over.

I dreamt that it was twins. I dreamt that it was a sumo baby. I dreamt that I am much further along than I am. I dreamt that Steve and I got into an increasingly frightening verbal altercation with an opposing fan at a BC Football game. I’ve been having some interesting dreams.

While I know that there is no “normal” when it comes to this particular life experience and while I accept that each pregnancy can be completely different, this seems freakishly different.

As I sit here now, digesting my lunch, Macadamia is kicking me in thanks for the deliciousness of my Thanksgiving sandwich on a hard roll, with sea salt and cracked pepper chips and a Snapple Raspberry Iced Tea. In 2007 I would have felt so guilty about this entire lunch. The sandwich is made with carved roasted turkey, but a sandwich! The salty fatty chips! The Iced Tea! It is entirely different this time around and wow, did I miss this special mama/baby connection via kicks and jabs. I missed it so much when Caroline was born.

I’m trying to think of Mac’s on the early side movement as a nice way to help us bond even more before s/he gets here. I remind myself that soon I will be able to convince my toddler to steady her hand on mommy’s tummy and feel her brother or sister kick her back. (lord knows she loves to touch my belly anyway – often even asking for it “mommy, I need your belly.”) I’m waiting for that special moment now and trying not to sweat over all the differences, the worries, the concerns, or how I look closer to my 20-week photo from Caroline than my 17.


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