pangs

Steve had to be in his office at the crack of dawn today so things were a little wonky with our usual morning routine, but Caroline and I more than managed. I snuggled with her for a few minutes in bed before getting myself up. With forewarning I smartly showered last night, though am I the only one who feels like I need to feel that hot water and breathe in that steamy air to really wake up for the day? It’s nearly 9:00 and I still feel like I could crawl under my desk and take a little catnap.

While I was trying to arrange my hair, a task much more challenging after an evening shower with limited blow-drying, Mickey came on and you know Caroline whooped excitedly. She waved to each character, “Hi Mickey, Hi Daisy, Hi Puppy (?), Hi Goofy!”

I’ve been feeling those Disney pangs again. I completely recognize that these pangs are because I know in my heart that with Mac joining us later this winter, a WDW visit is buzz lightyears away. (har!) It is completely unrealistic in so many ways and yet I cannot help myself from thinking of my heart widening watching my daughter meet Mickey in person. As soon as that statement rolls off my fingertips, I laugh maniacally in my head. Meeting Mickey in person would be a trauma of epic proportions. I know this. I know all of this. I am projecting again – this new baby is “taking away” my daughter’s only child/supreme ruler status and like every other mother I wonder how it will be, how she will be, if things will be ok.

I have had it in my head that we need to do something special with her before Mac’s arrival. One last something. We’ve considered Storyland, Sesame Place, a weekend at Lake George. I’ve clearly thought a lot about Disney. Fall is - let’s face it - quickly approaching, full of weekends spent enjoying football games with Kiki’s meatballs and chicken salad sandwiches. Once Thanksgiving hits there is always an all out rush to the finish with Christmas and New Years. This year we’ll be happily prepping Caroline for a petal tossing adventure down the aisle at Auntie C and Hokie’s wedding. The hourglass is running low. I’m coming to grips with the fact that none of this is going to happen and that it is really ok. It really truly is.

Caroline is very unlikely to remember life without a sibling. It is clear that anything above and beyond we do to celebrate life as us three will be just photos on a page for Steve and I to recall the details of while she wonders if any of it really happened. “Ah, yes, see that Mickey Bar you’re holding? We got that for you after we met Mickey and you were a screaming mess of tears. Boy did you make quite the scene! I think Mickey might have even cried you were so upset!” Anything we did would really be for us, not for Caroline. That would be the complete opposite of why I wanted to do something in the first place.

It isn't what we do, but how we do it. So I will savor. I’ll savor every quiet moment with Caroline. I’ll breathe in every laugh. I’ll slurp up all her cuteness. I’ll use this time I have with her to prepare her for the new baby, to involve her in anyway I can, to make her feel like a big sister before she even becomes one. I’ll get her so excited about her very special “birthday gift” that when Mac does arrive, she’ll say “Mickey who?”


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