peeking in

At daycare pick-up yesterday I walked in to find an empty, unlit classroom. Confused, I gathered Caroline’s belongings, checked the daily nap/diaper chart, and looked toward another room for an explanation of where exactly I might find my little darling? “Still outside.”

I went to the back door thinking I could just pick her up from there and be on my way, but the group was already gathering at the door to come back in. She didn’t see me yet. Instead of knocking on the glass to let her know I was there, I stood back against the wall and quietly watched the scene play out.

I spied her stealthy maneuvering to get to the very front of the line (a skill that will serve her well at the TKTS booth someday) and smiling widely up at Mr. Eric. I gazed upon her rosy from running everywhere cheeks. I stayed still as they all marched past in a disorganized line of midgets and strollers. I watched her follow the teachers into the kid’s bathroom to wash her hands and then wait by the classroom door to be let back in. It was like seeing into her private world – the world when I am not with her – and I liked everything I saw. I was filled with such pride that this little beauty was my daughter, listening to instructions, and having a great day -even if I wasn’t with her.

When I could bear it no longer (and thoughts drifted toward the dinner that needed an hour in the oven) I scooped her up in our typical pick-up hug. “Mommy, you here to get me?!” The highlight of my workday; this embrace that seems endless, the bottomless “squeeze” that reaches my soul and circles it with a sense of well-being.

So long as I have that hug, I have everything I need. I imagine a time in the not so distant future that this day will bring questions about the day that is tomorrow. I just hope that my own squeeze, my own embrace will be enough to reassure that all is well, that she is safe, that we have all we need.

So, now that I made myself cry at work, I’ll leave you with a funny thought because I cannot end this post that way. I just can’t.

We have been invited to join Steve and his boss for dinner tonight. I laughed, literally out loud, until I realized Steve was serious and his boss was not just being polite. He wants to meet us and it is TERRIFYING to consider the limitless apocalyptic possibilities that await us this evening at dinner. I brought snacks, amusements, a clean shirt. I am just praying for a well-behaved sweetheart to melt this guy’s heart completely. Maybe with some Baldwin and Red Sox mentions he’ll decide to move us back to BOS on the spot? Maybe I just need to focus on living through this dinner.


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