better

My baby boy quietly entered his second month yesterday. I would have done more to bring attention to this amazing feat except it was Monday and I trying desperately to entertain Caroline and keep Connor happy. It seems in honor of his exit from his first month that he decided to wake up from his newborn coma and is suddenly demanding more and more of my time and attention, which is not necessarily a bad thing, just different. Though by the calendar I know he has been here for four weeks, my heart refuses to believe it. My little baby’s cheeks are filling out even more and he’s spending more time lifting his head from my shoulder to gaze up at me which absolutely melts me. He has become such a little “cuddle bear” (caroline is my one and only “snuggle bunny”) and his favorite place to be is in the center of your chest, his little feet tucked up under his adorable tush. The sling has been my savior and I wonder out loud and often how I did not have it when Caroline was this little. He loves being strapped close to my chest up on my left shoulder and unless he is absolutely starving, he chills out the moment I pull the sling tail to tighten him up. He makes the sweetest little noises when he’s blissed out in the sling or sleeping on your chest. He’s such a bubba.

I can tell that Caroline is feeling a bit neglected with all that is happening. There have been moments she has pushed me to the brink of insanity, but I am working very hard at minimizing the effects the chaos has on her little world. I’m approaching her differently, trying to understand that though I know it would be easier (and about 17 minutes faster) for me to help her with her coat in the morning, that she at three years old is establishing herself. It is far better for me to just walk away and let her struggle through it, knowing that in a few minutes time she’ll come ambling over asking me sweetly “you help me mommy? Please?” She is doing her level best to challenge me at every turn, laughing when she knows she has been bad, pushing me with her sass and defiance to unleash the “screaming momster” that I am trying desperately to suppress. The days when I am home with both kids are long. I am wishing for spring and sun when I can take them for a walk, let Caroline run off some steam on the swings or the slide and give us all a much needed break from staring at each other. Spring is right around the corner, right? Promise? Entertaining the thought of getting together with some of the other moms we’ve met down here and their kids on the days I have two is so overwhelming that I simply cannot consider it. The thought is actually paralyzing. I can barely keep it together in my own house. Do I think this is normal? Yes. Do I think that the move is making this time feel more overwhelming than it should be? Yes. Am I worried about how I have been feeling? Yes, but I am trying to look inside myself and reach deep down to be the best mom I can be to both of my kids. This right now is the hardest thing I have ever done and even when I am at the lowest point of my entire day, I still feel incredibly lucky. This is how I know I am ok.

I know that this is just temporary, that in just 10 days we will be living in MA and there won’t be anymore boxes to pack, floors to keep clean, toddlers to entertain with exactly three toys. Instead there will be time to stare at my son’s sweet (though scratched) face, to bake and decorate cookies with Caroline, to let the laundry go another day, to shower and shave my legs.

Connor’s first and only full month in CT has ended and though his second month will bring tremendous change to our family, it is going to be so worth all that we have been through. We moved here to make a better life for ourselves and for the family we would have someday. We accomplished that and it is time to realign ourselves with an important part of our life we left behind on pause; family life both with family and our long time friends. It’s been missing for awhile and we are so looking forward to hitting play; spending time with all the new little people who have arrived in our absence, attending family events we’ve had to say no to, seeing people spontaneously, jetting off to the beach based on weather and not our schedule, and ensuring that our kids know all the important people in our and their lives. Writing all of this has just brought me to such a better place than I was this morning when both kids were wide awake at 5:30 and I was so exhausted that I could not imagine getting up and getting Caroline to school. I got up. I got out the door. I got a break thanks to school and I am feeling reenergized. I won’t be turning down my chance to snuggle with Connor and take a cat nap though. That is my plan from now until I pick her up from school. Today I am not packing a single box. Today I take for me because I need it. Because my kids need me back. Because I know I can do better.

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there, you are trying to balance a world of change! On top of fluctuating hormones and feeding a rapidly growing infant! I absolutely know the fears that seep in at the beginning of being a mommy of 2 little ones, their needs are so different and they need all of it from you. You will find your way. Do exactly what you are doing -- stay open, share, and take breaks and deep breaths. Sending you love.

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