because something HAS to give

I have not slept in six months, probably closer to seven and it is leading me to brink of insanity. Connor's reflux issues plague us continually and we walk on eggshells wondering what kind of day he is going to have. Will it be a good day? Will he nap for more than twenty minutes at a time? Will tonight be the night, the amazing night, that he sleeps more than three hours overnight? I came to the internet seeking answers to questions that I know won't magically be corrected by the powers of google. My searches there have led me to mothers' anonymous pleads for help! I imagine they were feeling the same way I am now and the answers they get on the most part involve being reprimanded by various "Doctors" that it is their own fault the baby isn't sleeping because they haven't got a solid bedtime routine, or they haven't been proactive in teaching him to put himself to sleep yet, or that they are somehow to blame. On behalf of all those mothers, eff you doctor schmoe. I did nothing to create this situation besides give birth to an amazing little boy who has a life plagued with gassiness and reflux.

We are at a crossroads here. Our sleep methods are being challenged by a boy quickly outgrowing the "sleeping elevated" plans we put in place months ago when we first started dealing with this. He has been sleeping in a Moses basket that he now touches end to end when fully extended and we know that time is running out, so I've been trying to break him of the basket, but very, very reluctantly. He is still elevated thanks to a wedge and a blanket UNDER the wedge, but I'm sure that is partly to blame for the last two nights of terrible sleep. At least on Wednesday night he woke up happy. Last night he was up for the second time at 1:30 after eating at 11 and he was quite the opposite; gassy, unhappy, and despite all my best efforts I ended up waking him for the day with a dose of antacid at 5 am. This terrible gassy unhappiness went on and on all through the night and I'm pretty sure it is the result of peaches too late in the day combined with sleeping too reclined with me. I'd kill for a solid FOUR hours of sleep right now. Unfortunately now that it is morning and I could go back to bed I am too fired up to do so and I'm one of those people who can't nap anyway.

I don't really have a plan. I've noticed he's been a little worse since we started solids; more gassy, less dirty diapers. Despite the fact that he clearly is enjoying eating - he cannot get that spoon into his mouth fast enough - I am pulling back on them in case it might improve things SOMEHOW. Who knows - the direction and velocity of the wind on any given day might also be to blame, but I haven't found a way to correct those yet. I'll let you know if and when I do.

It pains me to look back on this blog and see that Caroline was such a different sleeper. We didn't know how lucky we were. It makes me batshit bonkers to listen to other people's whining about their baby who GASP "woke up at 4am last night and zzzzzzzz." 4am would be a miracle. 4 am would mean that you weren't up at 11 and 2 and 4. It would mean that you could have slept for several hours on end, perhaps even two complete sleep cycles!

Today was the second sunrise I have seen in as many days. The light filled the house slowly and in my arms I held my engaging, wonderful, perfect to me son. Today I begged him to please just settle down so mommy could sit for the love of God, but in an hour or two when I hit a second wind, it will all be a distant memory... until tonight when I panic at bedtime wondering what the night holds for me and the evening handwringing begins.

It's not his fault, but it isn't mine either and I would appreciate it very much if google wouldn't suggest that I am somehow to blame for this very sad state of affairs.


  1. I got nothing.

    Except this...

    I KNOW.

    You aren't just describing your perfect son, you're also describing my Bean. The same child that screamed for 7-8 hours straight every day. That caused me to question if I was ever meant to be a mother.

    Oh honey, I've BEEN there and I KNOW. And the people that haven't been there, THEY DON'T KNOW! And they can bitch all they want, but THEY DON'T KNOW what you're going through and quite honestly I wanted to spit at the person the complained when their 6 month old stopped sleeping through the night all of a sudden and WHAT COULD THIS BE?? Oh GOD just shut-up!

    So I KNOW. And I'm here. And I love you all.


  2. Oh sister, this post makes me hurt for you, that tired where your eyes just want to close so badly you feel like crying. Maybe you do.