triple think

When you have a baby that will not sleep you double and triple think most things that most parents would quickly move on from. Is that oatmeal too thick for him, no really check again, is it too thick? What solid should I give him with dinner because the carrots last night really didn't go well even though he really liked them. Quick think, what will be the least gassy/bindy/least acidic option? Can I mix pears or prunes with squash to make it "move" easier? Has he been even crankier since I started supplementing? Is it a dairy thing? Is it the wrong formula? Has my supply dwindled since we started formula? Have I upset the cosmic balance by introducing the wrong thing and my body is protesting with a milk drought? Maybe he would sleep better with the Sleep Sheep? Maybe he would sleep better with the humidifier on for white noise? Would he sleep better with a pillow or blanket propped behind his back to keep him on his side? What if we let him cry for 15 minute intervals during the night?

The answer to that is easy - you will be wide awake for four hours listening to the most ear piercing break you heart scream that at some point will make you question his very existence.

Yes. I said it. Having a baby who does not sleep makes me think about how maybe this might have been a bad decision. Connor's sleeplessness has turned this "I want three" mom into "Two is great." The baby I pined for has singlehandedly closed the door on future siblings because I don't think I have it in me to chance enduing these sleepless months again. I think things like this and I feel instant and heartbreaking guilt because of course we love him! Of course we think he is the smartest and sweetest little boy that the world has ever met. Of course we want to share his amazing grin and goofy laugh with everyone in our life. Of course we want him! & yet, when the sun goes down and he starts sleepily rubbing his eyes, yawning the big tired yawns there is not a second that I think "ah yes, bedtime." There is a total unadulterated panic that sets in whereby I watch the clock and have dicussions in my head that could only be magical thinking. "Ok, he's been down for 15 so any minute now he will wake up for that first re-sleep." and then just like magic, he wakes up. I'll look at the clock later in the night and refuse to calculate how long he has been asleep now because if I even think about how long we have been able to sit and eat Sour Cream and Onion Quakes there will be instantaneous bleeting from the monitor. It's been a trying and annoying and soul crushing few weeks.

This morning as I measured out his prilosec I noticed that there doesn't appear to be 2 weeks supply left in our 4 week rx. "Great," I thought, another call to the pediatrician and another argument with the insurance about the prilosec that seriously takes a full 24 hours to even get from CVS once they fill it because it is a "compound." I had an aha moment, he has been bloody terrible with sleeping ever since we started the damn prilosec, the drug I could not wait to get him onto a few weeks ago. So I squirted that prilosec right back into the bottle and pulled the Zantac I smartly filled just before the prilosec rx to have as a reserve back up(see first paragraph) and measured out his old 2.8 dose. While he used to HATE this medicine compared to the baking soda taste of the prilosec it must have tasted like strawberry jam because for the first time in history he did not squirm and spit. He's been asleep for almost an hour now. So now I am acting as pedi as well, tweaking meds, rethinking everything, like a crazy woman.

An hour long first nap of the day is so outrageous around these parts that at the hour mark I start pacing the house like wild animal unsure what to do because the child, he still sleeps. He surely must not be breathing. We were so ridiculously laugh out loud blessed with Caroline and her amazing stretches of sleep and we didn't even appreciate it.

Steve and I say we are fortunate in one thing and that is that he came along second because we might not have even wanted to go for another if we had lived through this the first time around. Isn't that pathetically sad? Aren't you sick of reading about it? I think I am writing it all down as raw as I can so that in two years time when I get an itch for another I can reread the horror show of the terrible reflux non-sleeping life we are now living and step away from the tiny onesies.

One thing is for sure. When Connor reaches his teen years and suddenly starts sleeping waaayyyy in on Sundays we are going to have a pot and pan parade outside his door. The baby who would not sleep is for sure not getting away with sleeping till noon.

3 comments:

  1. I could have written this word for word 3 years ago about Nicole. Word. For. Word. In fact that IS why we are only at two.

    The good news is that at about age 1 she was mostly out of this ear piercing scream. The bad news is I have so little memory of her first year between trying to balance two kids, being diagnosed with hypothyroid and oh yes NO SLEEP.

    These days she is an absolute doll and loves everyone. She is actually the better sleeper now and has been known to stay in bed until 9AM on some weekend mornings.

    Hang in there and big hugs to you.

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  2. I am so sorry you're going through this, and of course I don't judge you for anything you might think in the midst of a sleepless, loud, stressful phase. Caro is looking so long and tall, just adorable. I hope you can enjoy some of the rest of your summer. Good luck, lady.

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  3. Anonymous8:26 AM

    Hang in there, Kerri. He sounds precisely like Sam was in his first 9 or 10 months. He'll turn a corner and these awful sleepless nights will seem like a distant memory. I bet when he becomes more mobile, things will vastly improve. xo

    Emily

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