out of nowhere

Sometimes, an etch it on your heart memory pops out of thin air. We had one of those special spontaneous Sunday nights this week. An out of nowhere, for no reason fire. A dinner of ribeyes, planned, purchased and prepared to perfection by Steve. A fancy tablecloth spread over the coffee table. Red IKEA chairs pulled up for the shorties. 80's rock on Pandora. Dancing Caroline. Hockey playing Connor. All the time in the world to just sit and be. Sunday.

A cuddly Caroline wrapped up in my lap with a blanket bearing her name. Surveying newly hung photos of herself on the wall. Recognition that they are from before, in Connecticut, and out of nowhere; Reese. "I miss Reese. She was the best kitty. She died. I wish she could come home." We've never really talked about Reese in that context, yet here we were. I never said the word, died, yet there we were. The tears pooled in my hand cradling her face.

American Pie comes across Pandora (changed from 80's rock when I could take it no more) and I tell her this is Papa's song and Granda's song and Auntie K's song and it could be her song too. I sang it start to finish, barely audible I'm sure, and that little girl fell asleep on my lap, there in front of the dying fire, enveloped in love and bearing the sadness of a loss she was too young to recall or understand.


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